Episode 025: My Story about Ego Dissolution and the Spiritual Ego

Transcription

(00:00):

Hi, in this episode, I'm going to share with you a very personal story. And of course it's about spirituality, but it is personal and it has to do with my particular life and some things that I've experienced. And the reason that I feel that I should share this is because I want to be open and honest about my own life. And also in this experience, there's a lot of deeper esoteric understanding and wisdom connected to it. And I feel that it's important to share that, but I will be honest with you. I am hesitant about it. I know I've kind of hinted toward this in the past, but I'm going to come out and tell you the whole story from beginning to end, even the bad parts where I don't look so good. The reason I feel it's important to share this story is that I want to be honest with myself and what I've attracted in my life and why I attracted certain things and what came of those things.

(01:09):

So we're going to back up quite a few years. One thing about me is I have been teaching intuitive development for so long. It's been a class I've taught in person for many, many years, loved doing it, had a great time doing it. I'd have classes come and go. So sometimes I’d close the class and it would be a closed class for a while. Sometimes I'd open it up and it would be an open class for a long time. I just kind of switched it up, but intuitive development was something I love to teach. So I started teaching an intuitive development course a couple years ago, and a group of people obviously took the course. But it was an ongoing course. And the great thing about that is that they would come every week and we would practice our intuitive skills

(02:04):

and we would talk about all things metaphysical. It was great because I love connecting with my group. I love teaching. It's really my passion. And of course, with any group, weird things happen. People get upset with each other. There's some drama. And during the course of the group, I would say to them, you know, you have to be conscious of your spiritual ego and you have to be aware of your own issues. Because if you have an issue with someone it's really an issue with yourself, you're projecting it onto that person. Of course, unless that person is a narcissist or a super bad person. And just like this podcast, it's kind of the same thing. I would teach similar things because I believe when you're aware of yourself and your own issues, it helps you and everyone around you. So we're here to evolve as human beings, right? Now, before I go on with the story, I just want to say that I am trying to move into my heart and make sure that I'm relaying this information, not from a space of good guy, bad guy, because that's not what this story's about.

(03:23):

It's really about spiritual awakening. It's really about spiritual evolution. It's really about spiritual ego and teachers and how teachers can develop a spiritual ego. And I am going to say that, yes, of course, I've had a spiritual ego. I'd never say I don't have a spiritual ego. I tend to be a little bit more aware of that spiritual ego now that I've been doing this for so long and I've worked on my issues. But that's why we're talking about this. Anyway, back to my class. So class is going great. And I just feel like I want to do an Ascension class. So I asked all the people who are currently in my intuitive development class, if they'd be interested in doing a year long, or maybe it was six months, six months to a year long Ascension class, where we would be doing a lot of high vibrational work, activating Ascension codes, doing meditations teachings, that type of thing.

(04:34):

And they were interested. Many of them were interested. And then I also invited some past students and a few people that I knew. So there were maybe 13, 15 people in the class. So it wasn't huge because I didn't want it to be a big group. It was a small group and we started doing this Ascension work and don't ask me when this started. I don't remember how long it had been when I actually started this group. Cause they kind of morphed. One class morphed into another new class. And then in one of the classes, one of the students started channeling some information, which is great. I have no issue with that, but my guides started telling me there's going to be some problems and these problems are going to happen around we'll just call her Lisa. So my guide started saying, you know, there's going to be some issues with Lisa and it's not going to be great.

(05:42):

And of course, you know, I'm listening. And this was around December or January. And I started to feel this weird energy around her. Not that she had like anything weird around her, but just her own stuff. And she was really upset because she didn't manifest something she wanted. And just some other things, which is fine. You know, we all go through our stuff. So I didn't even think twice about it. I wasn't looking for issues. Believe me, I wasn't. And then there was a problem in the class and I handled it poorly. Truth be told, I should not have handled it the way I handled it because people were gossiping about each other. And I was a little frustrated that people were talking behind other people's backs and they didn't like this one person and he did this or whatever the issue was. Again, I knew it was drama.

(06:42):

And what I did was I sent everyone an email and I asked for feedback, are you upset about this? Are you upset about that? And I think it ticked some people off and that happens. So I took responsibility, oopsies, I'm sorry. That was stupid. And I knew my ego was getting in the way. So of course I looked at it, I took responsibility for it and I tried to make it up to everyone. Now, Lisa was really upset with me and she said, “Well, I don't know if I want to come back to class.” And I said to her, “Well, I think that's best.” And that was the end of our conversation. In other words, I kind of said, “Yeah, don't come back to class.” And this is because my guides kept on telling me it's going to get bad. Things are going to get bad with her in the class.

(07:38):

And there's going to be a big issue. Now let's be honest. The truth is, in my perspective, that it really wasn't about her. The class was coming to an end on its own because there were other things going on in my personal life. And I needed to break free from any other obligations just to help me move on with my own life. And it had been going on for a while. So it wasn't a huge deal, but nobody likes to get kicked out of a class, which I did not kick her out, but I kinda kicked her out. Like, I'll take responsibility that I kinda did kick her out. And I've been kicked out of classes

(08:23):

before, by the way. Because

(08:25):

I'm a pain in the ass when it comes to classes, because I question what's going on. Like, I'll ask them, well, what do you think about this? Or what do you think about that? And they don't like it. And one teacher actually kicked me out of the class because I was teaching and she didn't like the competition, which is cool, whatever.But so I know what it feels like to be kicked out of a class. It sucks. So I felt bad for Lisa, but I knew that it had to be done because she didn't want to be there anyway. So let's just call a spade, a spade. Okay. You're not interested in joining the class anymore. Well, great. Then don't come back. And that wasn't a mean thing in my mind. See, this is the weird thing. I wasn't really triggered by any of this. I wasn't even triggered when people were upset. I said, you know what, you're absolutely right. I did this, I did that. I should have handled it this way. I made a mistake. I want to take full responsibility. I actually told the whole class this and they were all like, “No, Melissa, it's fine.” You know,  I think that they understood and appreciated that I took responsibility for my mess up. And I really

(09:44):

did believe that. So

(09:47):

fast forward, the class dissolves a few months later. Anyway, as I said before, I was actually leaving my husband at the time. I didn't say that, but I was actually leaving my husband soon. And I was just kind of trying to get myself together to deal with this new part of my life. And of course I'm keeping track with everybody from class and different things happened.  One of the women who was in the class and then left for a job, ended up contacting me and saying that she was in the hospital and a few things happened. So of course, you know, I do what any good teacher/ healer would do. I sent her healing energy and love and of course supported her. So that happens. And then I went to text her to see how she was doing and I didn't get a text back.

(10:50):

And then I was on Facebook for some reason. And I noticed a bunch of people unfriended me. [I was]  like what happened? I don't understand. So I called someone who I thought was my friend at the time. And she said, “Oh no, Melissa, there's nothing going on. There's nothing going on.” And I said, “No, my guides are telling me exactly what's going on. And we'll just call this person Alice. So Alice is in denial mode telling me, “Nope.” Pretty much gaslighting me and telling me there's nothing going on. This person and that person aren’t upset with me. I don't know why they unfriended you. And of course I understand from my perspective that this is happening for a reason, but did it hurt me? Oh yes. It hurt me. It made me cry. It made me feel unworthy and unlovable. I was already dealing with a bunch of stuff with my ex and at that time I thought, “Whoa, what is really going on here?

(11:59):

Okay, Melissa, let's get down and look at this deeply.” And I went, “oh no, I've been asking to dissolve my ego. And what's the best way to dissolve your ego then everyone and everything that you ever knew: Gone. So friends gone, clients gone, ex gone, kids are out of the house. Like, whoa, talk about a blow to my ego, but that's okay. So now, all right, I'm getting it now.” So of course, what do I do? Like any good spiritual teacher and healer. I work on myself because I recognize it's not about Lisa. It's not about Alice. It's about me. And it's about my own issues. And this was coming up to show me the next level of my own ego dissolution. Now this is what my guides told me. And this is kind of important. My guides told me that Lisa wanted everybody to follow her.

(13:17):

And the best way to have other people follow you is to discredit the other person who was the leader. Right? So how can you make yourself the leader? You have to kill off the other leader in some way or another. Now, again, I'm not blaming Lisa for this. I'm just telling you what my guides told me was going on. And it was pretty clear. The funniest part of this is I told my class so many times, “Be conscious because spiritual teachers will want you to follow them. So they'll discredit other teachers in order for you to follow them.” And lo and behold, it actually happened and they saw it in real time. But the funny thing is they fell for it, which is fine. Again, this is about we're all here to learn or experience, whatever it is, right. Not good or bad. It just is what it is.

(14:23):

The reason I'm telling you this piece of this is because I was developing an awareness of who I am without all these people around me, without being surrounded by people who knew me well, who had taken my classes, you know, who I considered friends. They all moved away and a couple people stuck around, but most of them were gone. And then, it also shows you the spiritual teacher and spiritual ego that can be experienced when you become a spiritual teacher. Now, Lisa was ticked because I kind of kicked her out of class. Maybe she felt that way. And I'll tell you a little bit about that in a minute. But, she also wanted her followers to follow her and to do a class with her, which is fine. The other thing I said was I think that she told the girl who was in the hospital that I did something bad to her.

(15:37):

And I'll tell you why. Part of this, it was my guides telling me, but also it made sense because Lisa is an acupuncturist and she really believes that there are bad guys and demons everywhere, and everybody should be careful. Now at the time, was I going through a dark night of the soul? Yes. Did they contribute to my dark night of the soul? Yes, but I was grateful for this because after the initial shock, I recognized the strength that could come from this. And that meant a lot to me because that's what I'm here to do is to dissolve that good old ego and this dark night of the soul helped me do that. Now I do want to be clear. No, I did not dissolve my ego, but a place or a portion of my identity wrapped in my ego was dissolved because it had to burn away with all of these things happening around me.

(16:54):

Now, granted, I knew the whole story, even though no one would talk to me or tell me what was going on. And they kept it all under wraps. Like it was this big dark secret and they had to all keep it. So now we're going to fast forward a few months. Now I can't exactly remember the exact timeframe, but you know, three, five months later I'm contacted by Alice. And Alice says, “I just want to tell you, I'm so sorry. This has been really weird. And I apologize.” And I said, “it's really okay. Don't even worry about it. I understand. I knew exactly what happened. And when you want to share the story, let me know.” And then we ended up meeting for coffee. Well, I actually should say tea since I don't drink coffee, I drink tea. Now part of this story is personal to Alice. So I don't want to share that. But what I will say is that my guides were 100% right. Lisa started a class and guess what? This is the craziest thing. She did it on the same exact night that our class was, the same exact time and did a lot of the same things we were doing. So of course it benefited her to do all of this.

(18:28):

But somehow, or some way,

(18:33):

she slowly started turning everyone against me, making me the bad guy and her, the person who could save them all from me, the bad guy. Now, they should've known better because they knew me, but that's okay. You know, and I just realized that that is a judgment. And, I shouldn't be judging them. What I do feel is that

(19:04):

because

(19:05):

I thought I was important in their life, that they wouldn't judge me in that way or see me in the light that this person placed me. But I do realize that this all happened for a reason and I can't hold anyone else responsible, but myself, because I'm responsible for how I react and how I handle everything. Right? It's my responsibility. Not anyone else's.

(19:35):

So what Lisa was telling

(19:37):

everyone is that I had all this bad energy and I have attachments and all the spiritual drama that people come up with to make certain people better than others. This is all spiritual ego. And that's why I want to talk about this. That's all spiritual ego. So when you are projecting onto someone else, “oh, they have entities attached to them. So they must be a bad person. And we can't talk to them because you know that they're like working this way or that way, or doing these bad things, or working in bad magic or whatever else, all this negative energy.” I actually used to tell people that if you see something negative about someone else, it's really about you and your own issues. But that being said, I know that Lisa comes from a lot of fear and yes, at the time I was going through a little bit of a dark night of the soul and I was trying to learn who I was without being married.

(20:51):

And I was also, um, dealing with my kids not being around, a lot of little things. I recognize that I wasn't this amazing being. I was flawed and I was human. That isn't anything anyone should be ashamed of. So I can't be ashamed of my humanness, but was I sending bad juju or bad energy toward anyone? Oh no. I was too busy working on myself and looking at what I need to do for my business and my book and being really of service and dealing with my own emotional things that are coming up. But the spiritual ego, what happens is, it builds into this place where everybody's in a hierarchy. So, you know, you have a spiritual ego when you say, “Well, that person is at this level and I'm at this level. So I'm better or I'm worse than them.” Or the spiritual ego is all about, “Well, you know, I've meditated a lot, now I'm already ascended” or “I've been through my awakening.

(22:09):

You haven't been there yet.” It's things like that, that build the spiritual ego. Now Lisa’s spiritual ego was very wrapped up in fear. And I've noticed that about her, just a noticing, not a judgment. And I think that it was easy for her to blame me, to receive this experience of being the class leader and the teacher, which is certainly cool. Like that's okay. But I knew this. And even when Alice was deny, deny, deny, I knew this was happening. And I said to one of my friends, I'm shocked because Alice and Debbie and Terry, all names changed by the way, they were all what I considered my friends. One of them had been my client. Two of them actually had been my client on and off for like over 10 years. And they meant a lot to me, but they all turned their back on me looking and saying that they believed what this person who didn't really know me that well, what she was saying about me and they followed her again.

(23:36):

I had no issue with them taking a class. Like I wouldn't have cared if they took a class with someone else, why did they have to make me into the bad guy to take a class with this other person? I wasn't teaching an in-person class at that time. So there's no reason, but spiritual ego feels a lot of competition. And I'll give you another example of that. I was talking to someone and I said, “Oh, you work with the Akashic Records. Oh, it sounds like you kind of go to the same level, you know, place I do.” And she goes, “Oh no, mine is at a much higher level than yours.” And I went, okay. I was trying to just connect with this person. And I didn't care where she got her information, what level, it wasn't about that. It was really like a commonality.

(24:30):

Like let's hang out and talk about something that we have in common. But she made sure that I knew my place and that she was above me, which cracks me up because I could care less. What she didn't know is okay, chalk that up to: no connection here. Move on. That's what I chalked that up to. So this is what the spiritual ego will do. It will create these monsters around us to make us feel more empowered. So here is Lisa. She feels more empowered in her life because she now has the following. And I'm the bad guy. Now, fast forward, another couple months, month or two, then Lisa Number Two. (So there are two Lisa's in this class.) Lisa Number Two contacted me and said, “Hey, Melissa, I want to talk to you. And she said, you know, I thought there was so much negative energy.

(25:35):

And, I had to just disconnect from everyone.” And I knew what was really going on there as well. I knew that there was something else going on with this person, which is fine. Again. I just said, “Okay, I love you. No problem. I'm not mad.” So I did the same thing with the second Lisa, not the Lisa who started the class, the other one, and with Alice. So I forgave them. I had no issues that they did this. One of my friends who knows me pretty well and knows these people actually, she said almost. So you're the only person that I know that people would do that to you. And you would just be fine with it. Now, let me be honest. I'm not fine with what they did, but I'm not going to hold onto that energy. Because if I'm upset, if I hold onto the story or the anger about this story, then it's my issue.

(26:40):

And that I don't want. I don't want the karma involved because if I hold onto old negative, angry energy toward any of these people, then it's my karma that I'm working on and that I have to deal with, if I'm not triggered by it, I'm not triggered by it. Now, again, of course, in the beginning, it broke my heart. My heart was broken. I'd already been through so much with my ex and another way to break my heart. But what I realized is that I needed to mend that because they did not break my heart. My ex did not break my heart. My heart needed to raise its vibration because it was sitting in a lower vibe and we need to do something about that. So I don't blame anyone for this, but what you have to understand is that what this experience, what it showed me, is how clearly the spiritual ego can create a story to feed its own need of being special.

(27:52):

And as a spiritual person, you want to be very clear about that and recognize when you are using your spiritual ego to make yourself look or feel better than someone else. And there might be times that you might slip up. That's okay, but you want to start to recognize when your spiritual ego comes to play, because you want to say, “Nope, I'm not better than anyone else. Nope. I'm not smarter than anyone else. I am love.” I just did an interview with someone over in England. And I said, “I'm not special. No, one's special.” And then somebody put in the chat, “We're all special.” And I said, “Okay. So yes, we're all special, but we are not ego special.” There's a difference. But the ego wants to say, of course, we're all special. I'm special. I've got this gift. I've got that gift, but that's ego. Be true to who you are.

(28:57):

And those gifts will shine through. And you don't have to tell a soul that you have these special gifts. They'll see them, they'll hear them, they'll understand it through your energy. And they will also hear you talk about it in a very humble, real way. And in a grounded way. Now I am going to say that the drama from this story was craaaazzzyyy. And it still kind of is. From what I understand, there's still some drama happening around this situation and these people. But what I recognize is that they are just moving through their own ego dissolution. They're recognizing who they are as a spiritual power, because they have the power to choose how they're going to see the situation, how they're going to react, how they're going to deal with it. And even if they chose one way in the “past”, they still have the ability to shift and change who they truly are.

(30:05):

And maybe years from now, when they look back at this experience, they feel empowered through it. And they feel excited about who they are now. And you can only hope that we're all trying to do the best we can. And we are all just evolving. So I don't blame Lisa One at all for this situation. I don't blame me. I don't blame anyone else who was part of it. This is an important experience because in spiritual communities, and this is what sometimes happens, I'm not saying all the time, but I've seen it, in spiritual communities where there's a lot of one upmanship and you want to be discerning with your friends, with your partners and with other spiritual teachers that they're not looking one upmanship. I need to be better than you. So I feel good about myself because that will mean that they're working on spiritual ego, or I should say discern it, notice it.

(31:16):

They still may be an amazing teacher. Just because they have some spiritual ego does not discount their ability as a spiritual teacher. But if they are taking advantage of you or they're not being sincere with you in some way, then you might need to discern your way out the door. But you know, we're all here doing the best we can. Look, as spiritual people, we have the ability to raise our frequency, but the only way you're going to raise your frequency is if you are so honest with yourself, if you're real with yourself, and you're not afraid of looking at the shadow parts of yourself, which of course, you know, because we've talked a lot about that through the Ego Dissolution series that we just did. So if you haven't listened to that series, those episodes will be in the show notes. I think to help the spiritual ego, the divine love meditation that I have is great for that. So I'm going to also put that in the show notes and please hit the subscribe button and leave a review. Boy, would I be appreciative if you could leave a review! Reviews really help the podcast. All right. Much love.