Episode 004: What every empath needs to know about healthy boundaries

Discover the empowerment of setting clear but malleable boundaries within your energy field. As you go inside yourself to connect with who you really are, you feel your inner strength and learn what your boundaries are, and you learn respect for the boundaries of others. Have more control of your life with the knowledge of your inner truth, thus giving you more availability to your power. Boundaries are energetic.

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Transcription

As an energetic, intuitive person, you need to recognize some of the things that will help build your energy and understand that some things will actually make your energy feel wonky or out of sorts or imbalanced. A lot of that comes down to boundaries. I believe that we need to have personal boundaries of this is okay and that’s not okay. My boundaries would not be the same as your boundaries. We are all unique and our needs are unique. Our experiences are unique. And because of that, you have to understand and know what boundaries you need. You need to be more clear about those boundaries with other people or situations. For instance, if my kids call, 90% of the time, unless I’m with a client or doing something that I can’t stop, I stop and I answer the phone. If someone else calls and I’m not sure who it is, I may not answer the call. So that boundary is malleable. It’s not set in stone. If someone calls while I’m in the middle of something, I don’t answer no matter who it is, that boundary is not set so stringently, there’s a flexibility. And when you are really clear about your inner self and who you are, your boundaries don’t need to be so boxed in or be so rigid because rigid boundaries will make more problems for you sometimes in your relationships and in your life.

So what actually is a boundary and how do we deal with it as humans and as spiritual people? A boundary is an energetic boundary. So it’s not a fence that you have outside your yard. It’s an energy boundary. This means it’s a more subtle energy. And it relates to our own personal energy field, the human energy field. And because everyone has an energy field, we interact with that energy field of other people, situations, experiences, things like cars and houses. We interact energetically with everything around us. When we lack boundaries, we come from a place of allowing other people to take advantage of us or to do, or say things that are hurtful or harmful to us. Now we are talking about energetic boundaries because we want to know what is okay, and what’s not okay to accept or not accept in our spiritual lives. Some people see boundaries like a protection. Like I need to protect myself from those bad people who are sending me bad Juju. That is fear. And I don’t really like to take fear and run with it, or even encourage other people to run with fear. Because if the law of attraction is important to you, what you put out there is what you get back. So if you put out a lot of fear and I’m afraid, you’re going to get a lot of situations and experiences back that will make you afraid or fearful.

But let’s talk about boundaries and what’s right. And what’s wrong with boundaries and how to deal with them. What is right for you? Again, may not be right for someone else, but basically what’s right. Is being clear on what your boundaries are. Most people don’t know how to be clear in their own boundaries, mostly because maybe they have trouble saying no, maybe they’re guilty, or they want to please others. There’s a lot of reasons why people aren’t really clear with the boundaries. So let’s talk about saying no. If you grew up in a family or a household where you exerting your own power wasn’t accepted or was actually ridiculed, and you were hurt because of it, saying no can be really difficult. A lot of times we don’t want to say no because we feel guilty. Oh, if I say no, then I’m not helping this person, or I’m not doing the right thing. Or maybe they won’t love me because I want them to like me, or they’re not going to see me as a good person, or they’re going to see me in a bad light if I say no to this. So people end up saying yes to things that they don’t want.

I actually have a person who’s very close to me. And she says yes to things, and then she complains about it. I said to her, look, if you’re going to say yes, then you have to own your yes. If you’re going to say yes and then complain… she interrupts with I’m not really complaining. I’m not. Yes, you are because you couldn’t say no. And therein lies the issue. This person may feel insecure. She may feel that saying no would hurt the person or ruin their relationship. That happens when you’re kind of more of a people pleaser. Like I want everybody to like me. So I’m going to morph into what you want me to be. So you want to be the yes, man, that will be me. If you want me to be the person who lets you just yell at me and, and treat me badly, I’m going to accept that because I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize my feelings of insecurity or our relationship. So I don’t want to say no. What happens is you compromise what you really want and what you desire to make someone else happy or what you think would make them happy, because you want to please them. You want to connect with them. You want to feel loved, or you want to be abused by them. And you’re okay with that because that’s what you’ve known your whole life.

There’s another part to personal boundaries. And that’s your boundaries with other people. I also see people who have poor boundaries and allow other people to walk all over them. They tend to also be the kind of person who will disregard someone else’s boundaries. And they have no problem asking for favors or trying to get something from another person. Or they get really involved in other people’s lives. Those are the mothers or fathers who want to know everything about their kid’s life. And they try to control everything that’s going on. They’re not respecting their children’s boundaries. Or someone who’s trying to control a coworker or a work situation or a friendship. That’s because they don’t respect the person’s boundaries. They don’t respect the person. Usually boundaries are taken over or disregarded when someone does not respect the other person. The thing is, most people don’t really get what boundaries are, internally. They’re like, well, what does that mean to have a boundary? Does that mean that I have to yell at everybody or tell everybody no? Or I have to be don’t you call me ever again? No, you have to be clear on what is right for you. Like I said earlier, what’s right for me, wouldn’t be the same thing for you.

I’ve heard many stories from many of my clients and friends and they’ll say, Oh, well, spirit wakes me up at a certain time in the middle of the night to give me information. My personal boundary is no one wakes me up. I told spirit a long time ago, what you can tell me at night, that you can’t tell me in the daytime, it was really important to me. I had really young kids and I was doing a lot of my spiritual work. I didn’t want to be woken up in the middle of the night.

And that was a really important boundary for me. But most people aren’t really clear on what their boundaries are. And why is that? Most of us fear, maybe rejection or ridicule. The other part of boundaries that I find is that people want to be liked. And if they have a clear boundary, then they may not be liked. And maybe they were taught that you have no boundaries and you’re not allowed to have boundaries. And this is from abusive siblings or parents, because if you’ve experienced abuse, you’re used to people violating your boundaries. And you’re also not even clear on what those boundaries are supposed to be. Nobody said, let me teach you about boundaries and explain how that all works. We learned from our family. If someone violates your boundary, then you have to be okay with that because you were used to that experience. They also told us that we don’t even know what our own boundaries are.
So how could they explain boundaries or show us energetically what a boundary is, if they didn’t even know their own boundaries? They were too controlling, or abusive in their own experiences toward their children, or toward their environment, or life, or even themselves, to model a good, healthy boundary. A good, healthy boundary is an inner power it’s empowerment within. And if they were weak and they couldn’t control their energy or their feelings, there’s no way they could model good boundary expression and how to help their kids. You now, as an adult understand boundaries, and maybe one time you actually did stand up for yourself. And you did say no, or you did try to exert your own power. And in return, your family shamed you or ridiculed you, maybe they actually beat your power out of you. All of these things are part of our disassociation with boundaries and our unawareness of how to actually deal with them and what it means to be empowered through our own spiritual, energetic boundaries.

You have to start to understand what are boundaries are. And in order to do that, you actually have to go inside and ask yourself, what is okay with me, and what’s not okay. We are responsible for how other people treat us because we are the ones in power. If someone isn’t treating you properly, then you have to either talk about it or deal with it some way or no longer have them in your life. Boundaries are all about an inner power. Your ability to go inside and to connect with who you truly are and feel empowered in who you are. Let’s face it, many of us never got that memo that we had to have this empowerment and boundaries, because people violate our boundaries left and right in our lives. The reason we have difficulty knowing what our boundaries are, is because we don’t even know what we want. What do I want out of this relationship? What do I want out of my life? And if you don’t know what you want, you’re going to have a lot of trouble being really clear on what your boundaries are.

Now, I’m going to talk a little bit more about abuse. I’ve never met anyone who does not have some sort of abuse energy, and abuse is mental, physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. So if you were raised in a very stringent spiritual environment, you may have experienced spiritual abuse. The awareness of all these types of abuse helps you become more aware of your own victim energy. I’m not saying that people don’t have degrees of abuse. Of course they do, but every human I’ve ever met has abuse. I’ve never met any human on this earth plane that has not experienced some sort of abuse in their life.

What happens because of this abuse energy, is we are sometimes more sensitive to energies around us. And because we’re sensitive, we read energy and we become empathic. Empaths, I find, have had a very tumultuous life. They have had abuse in childhood. And why is that? Because as an empath, they actually had to learn to read their environment. If you read your environment, then you’ll know what’s going on. So if you walk into the room and the energy feels prickly and you feel uncomfortable, you know, to tip toe by Dad and not say anything, because if you say anything or you’re noticed in any way, bam. Now the abuse starts or the ridicule or the picking on you, whatever that is. So here we are as empaths. We’re moving through our lives and we get used to feeling and we want to feel our environment. We don’t feel safe if we’re not feeling our environment.

And then we wonder why we feel overwhelmed by all these energies and feelings that we’re absorbing and what we’re experiencing. I actually love being an empath because that’s how I work with my clients. I can connect and I can actually feel where their energy is, and what they’re feeling. And I get more insight into how to help them. But many empaths actually have unclear boundaries. And this is because they were taught, if you have a boundary, I will make sure that I beat it out of you or say mean things until you’re hurt. When I say beat it out of you, that means some sort of abuse has been happening that has kept you in this trapped cage of who they want you to be. So you think your boundaries are, I let other people walk all over me or I let other people take advantage of me.
Those are boundaries, by the way, just because the word boundary means a stop or a fence doesn’t mean that your boundaries are always offense or a stop or a no. Sometimes your boundaries are, you can do whatever you want to me because I lack boundaries. Whether you lack boundaries or you have really clear boundaries, it doesn’t matter. What matters is the energetic boundaries, energetically, what is right for you and what isn’t. So you need to start going inside and listening to yourself and you’ll become more aware of what you need and what you want. That will help your boundaries.

I’ve noticed. Many of my clients will say, well, I don’t want this. And I don’t want that. And I want this type of person in my life because I don’t want this, this, this, this, and this. And they have a litany of information that they don’t want. And they’re really clear on what they don’t want. They feel that that’s a really clear boundary and that they’re telling the universe exactly what they want. That’s not what’s happening there. What’s happening is they’re actually telling the universe what they don’t want. I don’t want this. I don’t want that. But when you tell the universe, I don’t want, guess what’s going to show up for you. Yes. What you don’t want. You have to be more clear on what you desire, what you want. It’s really easy for us humans to know what we don’t want. It’s a little bit more difficult to actually be clear and feel empowered by what you do want. And what do you want? Do you want to be ridiculed or do you want to be respected? Do you want to have people just take advantage of you or do you want to feel empowered in your life?
What would that look like? When you want to know what your needs and wants are, you have to know not only what they are, but also what would they look like? How would that show up in your life? If you don’t know how it’s going to show up, then you can’t tell the universe what you’re asking to show up. For instance, if I wanted to have friendships, let’s say I’m manifesting some new friends, a new community. What I’d say is I want people who love and respect me and really honor who I am without me having to change who I am for them to connect with me and resonate with me, because I don’t want to change who I am because they want a certain type of person.
I’ll give you a for instance. I actually moved to Sedona and I am not the hippie type. It’s just not who I am. I went to a photo shoot. And the guy’s like, do you have anything flowy? I’m like, no, I have jeans and a Jean jacket. That’s who I am. I’m not going to change who I am because I’m in Sedona now. And people went, tend to wear flowy things. It’s just not who I am. I’m not going to change my energy and what I like and what I’m used to because someone else thinks that that’s the kind of thing a spiritual person would wear. I’m going to be clear. This is who I am and love me or leave me because I want to be authentic. So what you’re going to do is you’re going to be more aware of what you want and be aware of how that feels to you. How does it feel when someone respects you? How does it feel when somebody sees you authentically for who you are and they like you because of who you are.

The other part of boundaries, which I find super interesting, is that boundaries are a two way street. And you have to look at where you are overstepping other people’s boundaries. Where are you trying to control other people’s lives or wanting somebody to be what you want them to be. Disrespecting others and what they need or their wants, or what they’re telling you that they want. Many times I will say, Oh, I’m not really sure. I really want to do that. And then somebody will try to talk me into doing it or persuade me or argue with me. I remember when my daughter was little, she could be a little argumentative. And I used to say to her, give me three good points of why I should let you do this. And they have to be to the point. And this way we avoided a lot of silly arguments because I just had her whittled down exactly why. Or maybe I changed my mind because she had some really good points. And that’s what I was trying to teach her is you don’t want to just argue and argue and argue and try to overpower someone to get them to do what you want them to do. Be clear on what you want and what your desires are and what is important to you. And maybe the person would change their mind. That’s the difference between someone who’s in control and someone who is empowered.

Where are you overstepping other people’s boundaries or trying to get other people to do or be who you want them to be? The best advice I can give you is to be clear on your boundaries is to start to be truthful, not to deceive yourself, your inner truth, your truth, not somebody else’s truth or not truth that you put out into the universe. I mean your internal truth, your internal guidance system. Because when you are truthful with yourself, you’ll start to trust yourself more. And when you trust yourself, your inner self, your inner guidance, you’ll know what you want and what you need. It’ll be easier for you to be clear with that. And you’ll have more availability of your own power when you do that. The other part is how do you feel when other people are crossing your boundaries? When they’re not really honoring who you are, where are you are going, or what’s going on in your life. And that’s what it means to have a healthy boundary, being really clear. But if you don’t know how it feels, when other people disrespecting your boundaries, then you’re going to have a harder time being really clear on what are my boundaries? What is acceptable? What’s not acceptable.

It’s so common for people to just allow others, to walk all over them and to not really be empowered. A healthy boundary means the inner awareness and that you’re not trying to control, to feel in control in your life. One way I’ve seen people being more assertive with their boundaries is the I’m going speak my truth boundary. This is what happens when people start learning about the throat chakra and learning about speaking their truth. I’ve noticed, through the years, when they say that they put this energy out there, like I’m not going to let anyone take advantage of me again. I’m going to be strong. I’m going to push people away. I’m going to make sure everyone knows exactly what’s on my mind. No matter what, and I’m not going to filter anything. My boundaries are going to be a strong steel wall. Nobody’s going to get through. I’m going to make sure everyone knows exactly what I’m thinking. Exactly what I’ve always wanted to tell them, that person isn’t nice that I don’t like this about you. I don’t like that about you. And there they are spewing their truth all over everybody. And everybody walks away like, Oh, what was all that garbage that was just tossed at me? That is their way of saying, okay, you know what? I’m no longer going to be a patsy and allow people to hurt me. But what happens is they actually go to the other extreme and they become more of a bully with their whole speaking, their truth situation. Now I’m not saying, don’t speak your truth. Don’t get me wrong. Just be aware. That truth is very personal.

My truth. Isn’t your truth. And there’s no such thing as truth because we live in a duality environment. There is no exact, absolute truth. There’s always a fluctuation or perception of truth. If you are looking to have your boundaries as a concrete wall, you’re going to have more difficulties than if you make them a little malleable. When your boundaries are malleable and moveable, you have more of a power over it. It does not have a power over you. When we use our boundaries as our power source, then we lack in our power. We’re still looking outside of ourselves for our power. When your boundaries are more malleable, meaning that I’m not so stringent in my thought process and how I see things and how I move through my life. You’re going to be more empowered when your boundaries are malleable.

I find that it becomes a resistance. People will start exerting their boundaries to resist certain situations or people or things. And it’s almost like a push away. Instead of this, isn’t really going to work for me, meaning I’m going to resist everything you say and everything you do, because I want to exert my boundaries. Instead of knowing what they want or what’s important to them, they just resist anything anyone else says, because then they feel empowered and they feel strong in their boundaries. However, it’s really resisting that they’re experiencing. I’ve also seen people use their boundaries as a way to fight the world. They’re in constant fight mode, looking for the fight, experiencing a fight, wanting to fight others so that they feel empowered. And that energy is hurting you because inside you’re probably fighting something within, you’re probably fighting the little child within that was never able to say no, or to exert their boundaries or power. And you’re fighting for that child within. And that fight is hurting you. No one else.
At other times, people may actually want to create really stringent boundaries or concrete walls because it protects them from connecting to others and they have this inner fear of intimacy or connection. So they create these boundaries of, you can only get so close to me and they use the boundary to keep people out, instead of making it malleable, where some people who are in alignment may come in and I may be very vulnerable with, but other people, I’m pretty sure that I’m going to like put up a no, that’s not going to really work for me kind of boundary. And both of those are okay. There are going to be people in your life that you’re going to want to let closer to you and then are going to be people where you’re going to be a little bit more selective and say, that person isn’t really my person. I’m just going to kind of like put a boundary up so that they understand that we’re not going to be any closer or become better friends or have a relationship with them in any way.

I want to leave you with this, all boundaries are energetic. You need to know what feels right to you. What empowers you and what type of energy you want to exchange with others? When you have clear boundaries, you are more empowered. Your energy within is more empowered. You feel more on purpose, more alive, and you love yourself just a little bit more because you know who you are. And that’s where a lot of people get stuck is they’re not sure of how to be clear on a boundary because they don’t know who they are. Nobody taught them that it’s okay to have healthy, close, intimate relationships. Many of us were raised in ways that made us feel like if you got too close to someone or something, something bad may happen.
So you had to kind of put up all these walls and then you’re putting up walls. And then because of your abuse, people are taking down those walls left and right. And then you think you’re putting up another wall. And then all of a sudden it’s down again and this back and forth with your boundaries. That’s not malleable either. That is a disservice to you because you’re not honoring and respecting your needs, your wants, and what’s healthiest for you.

What would a healthy relationship look like? Someone who respects your boundaries, someone who honors your needs, but it’s up to you to tell that person what your needs are when you want to be alone. When you need more comfort, when you need to feel honored and then respecting them for the same exact things, Oh, you need a little alone time. I totally get that. Why don’t you go and do your favorite kickboxing class? And I’ll just stay here and do the dishes, that is respect. That’s love. That is healthy boundaries. If we honored and respected each other’s boundaries, our world would be so different than it is today. I mean, you just have to go on Facebook and recognize that people don’t respect each other’s boundaries at all. They are angry or ridicule you for anything that you say that’s outside of their comfort zone. And that means they don’t respect your boundaries. They don’t respect you. I hope this really helps you get more connected with your boundaries. I hope I gave you some great tools to take home with you to work on.
I send you so much love and respect.